Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Just got back from CA last night. Went to go visit for a few days. Hung out with some friends from my kid-hood.
Was picked up by  lovely friend from the airport and stayed at said friend's house overnight. Now bak at home. Went and picked up the dog this morning. Made the bed. Watched an episode of In Plain Sight. Gave the dog a bath. And now am sitting and procrastinating on bringing up school stuff and getting my homework done. Unfortunately, that alo leaves me with far too much time alone with my head.
Blah...better get to it

Dear Diary,
Ok, so been back for a few days now. Getting re settled into regular life. Well, as regular as it can be sans a paying job.
Am close to having completed my Math class. I think I will even be getting an A in it.
Still have no idea what happening with my personal life.

Dear Diary,
I know. I am terrible about being consistent with writing.
That special person told me not to long ago that part of his healing would be to write everything down. Not to ever show anyone including himself also. But just to release it. And I totally understood. I do that all the time. Or at least, I intend to. Then I get worried that someone is going to read it. And I sure as hell don't want to re-read it. No thanks. I am even uncomfortable with the IDEA of reading it much less anyone else.
I checked out a really cute website the other day. It was all about Scorpios. About how secretive we are and it hit so so many points right on the old noggin'. The only thing this site had that I didn't agree with is that we don't want people to know these things about us as they would be more easily able to "handle" us. I don't care! Handle me! I am comforted when I meet someone who understands Scorpios.

Things are still in a very odd place with HIM. I need to come up with a good code name..
I am not sure where he and I are. I spend time with him especially on the weekends when he has his son. Whom I get a kick out of. Kids usually freak me out. Focus. I even sleep with him. We serious cuddle till we fall asleep. He calls me nick names that seem as though he would desire me. But they could just be names. He calls me babe and hon and baby. But he never even tries to kiss me. He will walk by and stop for a moment and rub my shoulders. But that is as much action as there is. So I am left to wonder (because God forbid I try to actually COMMUNICATE)  if it is me, if it is him, if it will change, if he still just needs to heal up some. I don't have any idea. I am completely baffled on this. Now.. he DID tell me at the beginning how he couldn't do a "relationship" right now. Not with the state he was in. But how he hopes that when he is ready, I will still want him. I wonder if he still feels that way. I know that my feelings have changed in a lot of ways with him. Before, I was certain I would be happy with him. Now, I don't know. Maybe.

Tuesday
Dear Diary ,
Not bad, it's only been since Friday.
Yesterday was awesom. Truly truly nice. I was with Pa (HIM) yesterday. We went for a drive up into the mountains. Stopped a few times to take pictures. It was such a beautiful drive. A beautiful DAY! We drove with the top down the whole time. Even when it started sprinkling on us and that made me love him all the more. We stopped in Leadville and had lunch in the coolest little Irish bar. Held hands on the drive. Professed love back and forth. Not mad-passionate-in-the-moment profession. Real true and forever ones. He is my friend and his happiness is truly of concern to me.
More later...gotta jet

Thursday
Dear Diary,
Wow... lots going on. Pa lost his job.Found out that his wedding date is coming up. I am having SUCH a hard time coping. I am so afraid that they are going to get back together and I will lose him all over again. I am so scared. But having to keep strong for him. He needs my support even more than ever right now. And I am over here today with him to keep him company and so on ince I know he will be having a very difficlut day. And there are moments when it is killing me. He is talking to her. She is coming over later to drop off some movies. That makes me so uncomfortable. She scares me so much. She has no idea how much of my life she controls without ever even having met me.

His friend is over now. His bf. Whom I love. We used to all sit in the basement back in the day. He used to pour me drinks and tell me that I HAD to drink it because it would be rude not to. lol... He used to DRAG me out of my shell. Used to poke at me and poke at me and tell me "where is the girl I know? the one who always has something to say". I missed him a lot after the break. It is cool to see him now. I love to watch the two of them together. They are SUCH soul brothers and it is a neat thing to see. I love sitting here quiet as a mouse and just listening. I am glad I can multi task! Typing and listening.
People always say a lot around me. I wonder if there is something about me that makes people so comfortable. What is it about me that makes them feel like they have known me long enough to talk about things either to me or in front of me. God, I would have made SUCH a good spy. That was my dream when I was in high school.
Just had a few minutes to chat with J. I like him very much. He is such good people. He is definitely going thru his won hard times. It is hard to see. He is just such a good man. They both are.

We will be spending at least tomorrow and Saturday with Pa. We are all going horse back riding.
I worry about this man. I worry about losing him all over. I worry that he will go back to her. And I plan to be gone by the time she gets here so I worry about what happens after I am gone. I worry that they are going to end up making love and back together. And I would lose him again and this time would be even harder than before. What would I do? If I had to put up with HER to be around him... I would do it. I would hate it and be a nervous wreck and drink far too much but I would do it..
What the hell is it about him? Why do I need him? It scares me so badly. But can I stay away? Nope...

Friday
Dear Diary,
I stayed over last night. Held him pretty much all night. It wa very sweet and very comforting. Sometimes I could tell he was having bad dreams and he'd twitch so I'd encircle him a little tighter in my arms and he would quiet down.
I am afraid.

Wed 9/14
Been a minute again.

God I love him. I love hanging around him. He is so...yeah.
He is still hung up on his ex. I expect it will be that way for a while.  But I get to hang out with him. I get to learn more about this fascinating creature. :)  I really enjoy that.  I have my friend back.  >~<

Sunday 9/18
And they are back together. He told me himself. They are giving it another try. And I have to meet her. She insists that she be a part of our friendship.
So I am going on a date today. I can't wait for him anymore. I can't be in love with him anymore. I LOVE him, of course. But I can't be IN love with him. I won't.