Ok, so I have gotten over the initial RAGE. But fuck.. now I am being treated like  the asshole. HOW when I did nothing wrong. I was falsely accused as was proven. And so help me God, I have TRIED to be nice to that dumb little slag. And boss-man still has not said a WORD about any of this. Considering he was the bitch that wrote it up, you'd think he would know that I sure haven't forgotten.

I can't wait to move to CA. I will still work for the dick but will virtually NEVER have to see him.10 months... I can hang on that long..

And maybe I am not over it?  :)

Betrayal

There was an incident at work on Friday. It is a long and ridiculous story but it came down to several things. My boss has no respect for me otherwise he would have come and asked what was going on, which in my opinion was nothing but apparently, I am such a huge and magnificent and important personality that even the thought that I may be angry at someone is enough to cause them severe devastation and affects their ability to work and possibly even have a normal life. My bad. I did not realize this. I am actually at a loss as to how this oversensitive person even came to that conclusion. Could it have been her guilty conscious? Me thinks so... However, it ended up with said manager and myself having to sit in the Corporate Attorney's office with a conversation that started out how this was NOT a termination. My work is great. Of course it is. I knew that. It then digressed to this allegation against me for being "mean and unprofessional". That I told this person not only how to do their job but how they had so negatively impacted mine.
I sit at my desk and do my work. No one can tell if I am angry because they don't sit by me. I am in a pretty isolated area which is great, because it is very quiet and undisrupted. My apparent rage and fury came across in an instant message. Verbatim, the conversation went like this:
" I am really sorry that it didn't get done. I feel bad."
my response "That's alright. Do you think that maybe next time you could let me know earlier? I have to run accruals today.".
Wow.... I am a bitch!

fuck this. ick. I am so dissatisfied it is ridiculous.
 I tell her that she needs to start figuring out something with her dog. If I got rid of him she would be so angry with me. She might even hate me for a while. Fuck THAT. But she doesn't help me at all. He pees in MY room and I have to shampoo the carpets over and over. And it grosses me out. And it is so unfair. And she gets so annoyed when I ask her to take them  out.. Really? jiminy crickets. I am the bad guy again. fuck...

Hello my bitches... You know I love you for reading about my crazy fucking mind.  <3

Today was like therapy. I told my bf everything that had happened this weekend and was able to talk it out just like if I paid some ridiculous amount to a therapist. She got the full dose. And she makes me feel like maybe I am not as crazy as I think. Maybe it is how I am perceived. The whole she-bang makes perfect sense to me. Maybe I am just misunderstood.  Mebbe.....!

Could you love me if I was an alien?

I am.....

I am an alien...



 I can deal with that..

:)   I think I might be alien... It is the only thing that makes sense to me. Why I feel so awkward here. So wrong.

I am not a good person. Even though that is what I wish to be more than anything. A good person worthy of love and hope.
I have made such bad decisions that affect others. And I am so sorry for that but what fucking good does "sorry" do? Does that remove or obliterate 20 years of pain? And I didn't try to hurt anyone. But that seems to be what I do. I hurt people and I don't mean to. How do I fix that? How do I make 20 years of loss and pain go away?

:)   even the ups get exhausting.
 It's HARD work to be "happy"!

it is amazing to me when I am able to fake it. By faking it I mean that I am able to pretend to be one of them. I have decided that I am an alien. It makes sense..

It always feels like I have so much to say up until it is time to type. I need Dragon..

Nature is like Prozac... Being out in the open clean air, with water lapping at the shores. It sets me right.

I was wrong. Here it comes again. And once again I have no control.
This is exhausting...

My friend had her baby. She changed her profile picture on FB so it is the baby's picture. She is so beautiful. I want another one so much it hurts. Don't know if it will happen.
Maybe I will end up adopting one. although what I yearn for is to feel the baby moving inside of me. Delivery sucks but is well worth it.
And I am a good mom. I have two girls who are amazing. Smart, beautiful, GOOD people. Now it is time for a boy!

Yesterday's misery is a memory now. Thinking about it, I can't understand how I get to that emotional boiling over point. Or rather, I suppose I do understand and that is because I internalize. And it makes sense that at some point, I can't anymore and it starts to overflow like the banks of a swollen river. It is just surprising sometimes what it takes to set that chain off. I feel relieved though. Now I can start the internalization all over again.

 And it will happen again soon, I am sure. I have so much to think about constantly that it is inevitable. I just prefer that it not be too soon.

Tonight was a definite breakdown. Scares me. Does that mean that the meds aren't working? Does the dosage need to be upped? Something else added into the cocktail? I felt as though I had no control over myself. I felt so heartbreaking, overwhelmingly sad and nothing made sense again. My head was filled with self recrimination and doubt and guilt. It is hard to swim thru all of that. And other people don't necessarily understand. And there is such a stigma attached. I have always maintained that this is as much my fault as diabetes are to a diabetic. As he needs insulin injected into his body, I need mine.

So here goes.. I love the anonymity of the internet. You don't know me (except what you read) and I don't know you. My kind of socialization. :)


Forgive me, I am not a great blogger by any means.
And my life is probably pretty boring.

Me. I am still learning about me. What an interesting and frightening discovery. I have never really allowed myself to dwell on me and who I am and think about the choices I have made. I realize now that I only hurt myself with my inability to communicate. And I hurt others. I don't know how to make up for that. And so I berate myself. Constantly. And was I even capable of making smart choices back when I was young? Freud will never get me to blame my mother but at the same time, I got to do whatever I wanted. No was not an option and I never heard it. I didn't do chores, I didn't do laundry. I didn't even have to clean my own room. If I wanted something, I asked and received. I grew up with a pedigreed dog. I had two horses. I got a car. Anything I wanted was mine for the asking.

I don't remember being afraid all the time when I was that age. I don't know when that even came into play. I think I was ill prepared for life and when REAL life hit, I didn't know what to do.

I am drowning. Every day it gets harder and harder to hold my head above the water. And what can I do? It isn't as if I can just give up and start over.

My best friend tells to stop thinking so much. She's right. I think all the time. I will probably drive myself insane at some point just hearing myself. Maybe I already am..